so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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