I love black thongs
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
