Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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