Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
