recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
