i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
