I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
