After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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