I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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