I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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