This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
