I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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