I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Randomize
