i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
we're making bets on your personal life
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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