just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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