my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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