my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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