my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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