I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my shit smells like andre
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Sex in the backyard? Check.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
