We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize