Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
