If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
