i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
