Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
