im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
