the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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