already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Randomize