Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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