I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
