Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
