I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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