Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
