I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
we should paint friendship bongs
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