You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
