I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
