found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
