I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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