i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
