Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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