After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
im calling her cock vulture from now on
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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