I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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