sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
