I just found puke in my bra..
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize