"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
