Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
