There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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