I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
