come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
