I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
This gyro tastes like lonliness
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
