the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
