Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
