she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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