If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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