i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I want to fling myself into the sun
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
