blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
