WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
