i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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